Evil Son: C05
CHAPTER FIVE
This novel was posted on cnt18 [dot] blogsp0t [dot] com, by anasiana. If you're not reading it there, you get what you get ￣へ￣)
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
I was a day-student. Despite my future hope being a kite I had tightly by the string that would gradually come closer, until this shameful body has completely disappeared from this world I still can't enter the university dormitory.
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
Affection? Really?
Later, more and more I began feeling dizzy; every day it got so much harder to wake up it felt like I almost couldn't, and before all this this my daily habits had followed a regular pattern. Yet, I couldn't eat, and every time I sat at the dinner table ad saw something greasy, I felt like I had to puke.
N/A
Later, more and more I began feeling dizzy; every day it got so much harder to wake up it felt like I almost couldn't, and before all this this my daily habits had followed a regular pattern. Yet, I couldn't eat, and every time I sat at the dinner table ad saw something greasy, I felt like I had to puke.
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
My body temperature also got a lot higher. Because, even in a room with air-conditioning, I had to cover with only a towel at night and I still felt hot.
But he continued, "I've asked around for you, and the procedure is one that can only be performed on persons over the age of twenty. You're only sixteen right now, so it should be the right time after you've completed university."
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
My dad looked at me, his reddened eyes filling with tears was something I never imagined.
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
Together with my dad and my mom, we cried.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
Affection? Really?
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
Despite knowing I was not my parent's pride and joy but only their shame ans sorrow, in this world, the only ones I could rely on and to take care of me, is them.
"A... please forgive us."
It was also strange that my mother and father never pushed to ask me questions when bring me bottle after bottle of medicine. But for some reason, in the different medicine packets, the tablets inside all of them were all the same.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
Hope really is like a flame, one capable of kindling the life blood and heat of a human life.
N/A
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
I didn't dare look at those heavy eyes of my mother, I couldn't bear it, so I hung my head low. From ever since that time my mom threw my hand off as if it was a gross caterpillar... in this life, I didn't have it in me to have any kind of hope. But then I heard her say "A," and her tone was gentle.
It was also strange that my mother and father never pushed to ask me questions when bring me bottle after bottle of medicine. But for some reason, in the different medicine packets, the tablets inside all of them were all the same.
After the fourth Sunday of the summer vacation, it was also like this. I stood alone facing the mirror, feeling not an ounce of surprise. But, suddenly, a grey dress appeared in the mirror from behind me.
But I was so confused at that time that I couldn't care about something like that. The strange symptoms I was experiencing scared me so much that I chugged down as many pills as possible. Then after eating them, I would feel empty, so very empty; and once I lay on my bed, I would feel sad, overwhelmingly so, hating my life and hating god for his cruelty. There are many people in the world, numerous creatures that exist, so why was I the only one to be cursed with a body like this? A body that won't let me get my parents' love, make me not dare to make friends, and suffer through an assault by my classmate? I can;t even dare to go to the hospital even though I'm ill?
Because of this, my dad said that on the day Liu Wei and Tang Sen brought me back home, both he and my mom saw I was humiliated by them, but all they could do was pretend as if there was nothing wrong and even thank them for bringing me back home. This was all because... all because... they couldn't rip open the matter to reveal the truth.
Hearing my mother's alarmed voice made me realise she was still beside me. I tried really hard to look at her, but I couldn't see her clearly, and that's how I found out I was actually crying. ...why is this happening? I knew I shouldn't cry in front of my mom or dad, and I desperately tried to stop my tears, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The pain lying at the bottom of my heart convulsed the point I felt as though I would faint. My mother grabbed my shoulder and let me lean on her. I weakly snuggled up to my mom, the sudden recollection of her not wanting me to touch her hands or clothes as child entering my mind.
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
N/A
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
There were times where I would cry myself to sleep. After I woke up, I had no interest in looking at myself in the mirror because my eyes were red and swollen. But there were no tear stains left on my face, however, and I had no idea who wiped them clean.
My trembling consciousness, for the time, felt the temperature of my blood as it flowed into my heart.
Hope really is like a flame, one capable of kindling the life blood and heat of a human life.
"A... your mother and I wish to give you this."
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
◈◇◈
Because of this, my life could begin new.
There were times where I would cry myself to sleep. After I woke up, I had no interest in looking at myself in the mirror because my eyes were red and swollen. But there were no tear stains left on my face, however, and I had no idea who wiped them clean.
After the fourth Sunday of the summer vacation, it was also like this. I stood alone facing the mirror, feeling not an ounce of surprise. But, suddenly, a grey dress appeared in the mirror from behind me.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
"Wh... What?" For so long, I hadn't heard my breaking voice.
With his teary eyes my dad smiled as he said, "A, go get the surgery, alright? Then you will truly, truly be our son.... Your mother and I are still waiting for you to get a wife and give us some grandchildren, yeah!"
Lifting my head, I saw my mom who was standing behind my dad from who knows when, still wearing a bare face and eyes now filled with tears. As she spoke, he voice choked with sobs: "A, please forgive your mom, please forgive me."
I turned around and saw it was my mother standing at my door, her saddened eyes facing me making my heart pound like a hammer. Normally, she wore modest heavy makeup, but that day, her face was surprisingly plain. The eyes she trained on me had a complicated look: seemingly affectionate, resentful, and pitiful.
...I couldn't help but keep thinking that if this world just didn't have me in it, then... maybe things would be a little better.
This is why... if I'm to be rαρеd, I'd be rαρеd... I was just a son, anyhow you think of it, it wasn't as though I could get pregnant. However, they never expected it would meet such an end.
Despite it being a short few months, my dad had already grown more grey hairs. It was the first time I had ever saw my always high-spirited father looked as though he was tired and his spirits were low... even my mom's eyes looked like they were always somewhat timid. Their son was rαρеd by his classmates and but they couldn't make it public... All they could do was swallow the mouthful of humiliation with resentment, all because of the secret of my body which couldn't be revealed.
Seeing me still staring at him in a daze, my dad sighed deeply and explained, "There's the medical technology to allow one to change sex nowadays, do you understand? Your mom and I was planning on sending you to America to have the operation, because we think their skills are probably a bit more advanced."
N/A
Affection? Really?
"Dad... this..." I was so confused, I couldn't understand it.
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
"... ..."
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
Despite it being a short few months, my dad had already grown more grey hairs. It was the first time I had ever saw my always high-spirited father looked as though he was tired and his spirits were low... even my mom's eyes looked like they were always somewhat timid. Their son was rαρеd by his classmates and but they couldn't make it public... All they could do was swallow the mouthful of humiliation with resentment, all because of the secret of my body which couldn't be revealed.
However, just as I started university, my dad had to attend a mandatory trip to Western Asia. Plus, because he had to take the lead for this overseas trip, my mother had to accompany him. Worried that I would be left on my own, for the first time ever, my dad used his authority to greet the head of the university for me temporarily assigned to a single room. So before they returned to the country, I stayed at the school dorms for a short while.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
I didn't dare look at those heavy eyes of my mother, I couldn't bear it, so I hung my head low. From ever since that time my mom threw my hand off as if it was a gross caterpillar... in this life, I didn't have it in me to have any kind of hope. But then I heard her say "A," and her tone was gentle.
Without me, the soul within this body will no longer cry in pain and despair, and my parents would no longer be sad and feel unspeakable humiliation. Death... dying was easy. With a small blade you can slίt your wrίists. With a part of scίssors you can cut your carotid artery. With the help of the fifth floor of a building, you can leap off it. With a an open gas nozzle, you can block off the kitchen and aim your nose and mouth towards it. Or, after drinking poison, you can go like in the bath.... My birth seems to have never given my parents any comfort, so if I leave them, the least I could do was choose a method that would give them the least amount of trouble.
My dad looked at me, his reddened eyes filling with tears was something I never imagined.
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
My mon then walked over to me and held me by the shoulder, saying, "A, your dad and I discussed this for a long time and have decided we have to tell you. A... you're pregnant."
Despite it being a short few months, my dad had already grown more grey hairs. It was the first time I had ever saw my always high-spirited father looked as though he was tired and his spirits were low... even my mom's eyes looked like they were always somewhat timid. Their son was rαρеd by his classmates and but they couldn't make it public... All they could do was swallow the mouthful of humiliation with resentment, all because of the secret of my body which couldn't be revealed.
◈◇◈
Even if the earth exploded before my eyes, I couldn't express the pure shock and terror this news had given me. How! How! How... how could this happen! I'm a man!! A shot of dizziness in my head forced my butt to weakly fall onto the edge of my bed. My mom then sat beside me, gently rubbing my shoulder. "A..."
N/A
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
"Wh... What?" For so long, I hadn't heard my breaking voice.
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
My mon then walked over to me and held me by the shoulder, saying, "A, your dad and I discussed this for a long time and have decided we have to tell you. A... you're pregnant."
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
My dad then looked at me, the sigh he released was deep, his voice light and sweet as he spoke, "Xiao'A, after you graduate college, go to America and get the surgery."
I was a day-student. Despite my future hope being a kite I had tightly by the string that would gradually come closer, until this shameful body has completely disappeared from this world I still can't enter the university dormitory.
My body temperature also got a lot higher. Because, even in a room with air-conditioning, I had to cover with only a towel at night and I still felt hot.
After the fourth Sunday of the summer vacation, it was also like this. I stood alone facing the mirror, feeling not an ounce of surprise. But, suddenly, a grey dress appeared in the mirror from behind me.
My trembling consciousness, for the time, felt the temperature of my blood as it flowed into my heart.
My body temperature also got a lot higher. Because, even in a room with air-conditioning, I had to cover with only a towel at night and I still felt hot.
"A... please forgive us."
"... ..."
However, just as I started university, my dad had to attend a mandatory trip to Western Asia. Plus, because he had to take the lead for this overseas trip, my mother had to accompany him. Worried that I would be left on my own, for the first time ever, my dad used his authority to greet the head of the university for me temporarily assigned to a single room. So before they returned to the country, I stayed at the school dorms for a short while.
Together with my dad and my mom, we cried.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
My mom also said sobbingly, "Xiao'A, go get the surgery and just forget everything that happened. All those things were just a bad dream, okay? A nightmare. When you wake up it'll all just disappear."
My shoulders shook, and I couldn't find a way to restrain my sobs... "A, A... A... Don't cry, A... Please don't cry..."
Even if the earth exploded before my eyes, I couldn't express the pure shock and terror this news had given me. How! How! How... how could this happen! I'm a man!! A shot of dizziness in my head forced my butt to weakly fall onto the edge of my bed. My mom then sat beside me, gently rubbing my shoulder. "A..."
Hearing my mother's alarmed voice made me realise she was still beside me. I tried really hard to look at her, but I couldn't see her clearly, and that's how I found out I was actually crying. ...why is this happening? I knew I shouldn't cry in front of my mom or dad, and I desperately tried to stop my tears, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The pain lying at the bottom of my heart convulsed the point I felt as though I would faint. My mother grabbed my shoulder and let me lean on her. I weakly snuggled up to my mom, the sudden recollection of her not wanting me to touch her hands or clothes as child entering my mind.
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
I was no longer afraid of people I didn't know, and I had even begun talking to them freely.
—Liu Wei... Tang Seng. My entire body turned cold. I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! But I couldn't help but recall the horror and humiliation of that day they rαρеd me! I thought I could just forget that incident! But that crime—that sin had already produced an evil spawn! Why is this happening... Why is this happening to me... Next term I would entering the final sprint of high school. My dream is to enter the most renowned university in the country, and the teachers said that with my exam scores there would be no trouble for me to do so... But, now, with me me dragging around a body like this, can I still go to school? Is it even possible? The sudden urge to kill those two demons overtook me, and as I sat there on the edge of my bed, my entire body erupted in cold shivers, while the hate and killing intent had left my mind hot and set aflame. I hate... I hate... Who should I hate... Who should I actually hate... If it wasn't for this damn body!
If the truth was ever revealed, this secret of mine, this body of mine, will leave my parents no way to fight off any attacks.
If the truth was ever revealed, this secret of mine, this body of mine, will leave my parents no way to fight off any attacks.
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
My shoulders shook, and I couldn't find a way to restrain my sobs... "A, A... A... Don't cry, A... Please don't cry..."
Lifting my head, I saw my mom who was standing behind my dad from who knows when, still wearing a bare face and eyes now filled with tears. As she spoke, he voice choked with sobs: "A, please forgive your mom, please forgive me."
Hearing my mother's alarmed voice made me realise she was still beside me. I tried really hard to look at her, but I couldn't see her clearly, and that's how I found out I was actually crying. ...why is this happening? I knew I shouldn't cry in front of my mom or dad, and I desperately tried to stop my tears, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The pain lying at the bottom of my heart convulsed the point I felt as though I would faint. My mother grabbed my shoulder and let me lean on her. I weakly snuggled up to my mom, the sudden recollection of her not wanting me to touch her hands or clothes as child entering my mind.
As they fluttered away under the glow of the neon lights, they looked like butterflies.
Hope really is like a flame, one capable of kindling the life blood and heat of a human life.
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
"A... your mother and I wish to give you this."
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, A."
...My dad handed me a bankbook.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
I turned around and saw it was my mother standing at my door, her saddened eyes facing me making my heart pound like a hammer. Normally, she wore modest heavy makeup, but that day, her face was surprisingly plain. The eyes she trained on me had a complicated look: seemingly affectionate, resentful, and pitiful.
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
There were times where I would cry myself to sleep. After I woke up, I had no interest in looking at myself in the mirror because my eyes were red and swollen. But there were no tear stains left on my face, however, and I had no idea who wiped them clean.
As if he had been there all this time waiting at the door, my dad rushed inside the room and grabbed my arms, but the gut wrenching pain had already caused my vision to darken. "A!" For the first time, I saw my upright and stern father shed tears before me, but I had long lost the ability to open my eyes. Before I passed out completely, I vaguely remembered people saying that god always smiled as he looked down at the people of this world from the clouds up high. But what you all probably didn't know, was that god also cried. It was surely his tears that fell upon my face as my consciousness left me, if not, how could my eyes be stabbed by such pain, or my cheeks by scorched by such a heat.
If the truth was ever revealed, this secret of mine, this body of mine, will leave my parents no way to fight off any attacks.
Okay—I will forget! Take these, have them all! I'll forget everything from before! Humiliation, sadness, gloom, hopelessness, it doesn't matter—I'll forget them all!
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
"A... what are doing! A, have you gone mad! —Han Xuan, get in here! Hurry!"
Knowing there was a new life waiting for me not too far into the future, I couldn't suppress my nerves and excitement. At almost every moment where my heart was about to be paralysed, it kicked back up jumping like mad.
As if he had been there all this time waiting at the door, my dad rushed inside the room and grabbed my arms, but the gut wrenching pain had already caused my vision to darken. "A!" For the first time, I saw my upright and stern father shed tears before me, but I had long lost the ability to open my eyes. Before I passed out completely, I vaguely remembered people saying that god always smiled as he looked down at the people of this world from the clouds up high. But what you all probably didn't know, was that god also cried. It was surely his tears that fell upon my face as my consciousness left me, if not, how could my eyes be stabbed by such pain, or my cheeks by scorched by such a heat.
Ah... dad... mom.
I finally understood. But I couldn't say anything afterwards.
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
◈◇◈
In the next semester of my second year of high school, I dropped out.
My dad looked like he wanted to say something, but it seemed as if it was too difficult for him to speak it.
...I couldn't help but keep thinking that if this world just didn't have me in it, then... maybe things would be a little better.
In the next semester of my second year of high school, I dropped out.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
My dad then looked at me, the sigh he released was deep, his voice light and sweet as he spoke, "Xiao'A, after you graduate college, go to America and get the surgery."
Before my third high school year, during winter vacation, in a small hospital located somewhere remote, I gave birth to a baby. I know nothing of how my parents dealt with it as it seemed I had spent the entire time asleep. When I did awake, I was unharmed and already back home. I was curious about one thing though, that day I used so much strength to hit it so why did that baby still stubbornly struggle to come into this world and not die earlier in my stomach.
My dad, the man who on television had addressed crowds completely poised and at ease, seemed to be surprisingly be struggling as he faced me. Why is he struggling? ...Oh, that's right. He looked at me wringing my hands non-stop before sitting on my bed, he talked about some random thing before finally arriving at his main point.
N/A
My shoulders shook, and I couldn't find a way to restrain my sobs... "A, A... A... Don't cry, A... Please don't cry..."
My mom also said sobbingly, "Xiao'A, go get the surgery and just forget everything that happened. All those things were just a bad dream, okay? A nightmare. When you wake up it'll all just disappear."
Later, more and more I began feeling dizzy; every day it got so much harder to wake up it felt like I almost couldn't, and before all this this my daily habits had followed a regular pattern. Yet, I couldn't eat, and every time I sat at the dinner table ad saw something greasy, I felt like I had to puke.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
My mon then walked over to me and held me by the shoulder, saying, "A, your dad and I discussed this for a long time and have decided we have to tell you. A... you're pregnant."
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
Knowing there was a new life waiting for me not too far into the future, I couldn't suppress my nerves and excitement. At almost every moment where my heart was about to be paralysed, it kicked back up jumping like mad.
Really? Sixteen." Maybe it was because I felt nothing but misery, because I already felt old. Others may have viewed their sixteenth year as the springtime of their youth, but my weakened state made me feel as though my sixteenth year signalled my decline.
In the next semester of my second year of high school, I dropped out.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
...I couldn't help but keep thinking that if this world just didn't have me in it, then... maybe things would be a little better.
My dad, the man who on television had addressed crowds completely poised and at ease, seemed to be surprisingly be struggling as he faced me. Why is he struggling? ...Oh, that's right. He looked at me wringing my hands non-stop before sitting on my bed, he talked about some random thing before finally arriving at his main point.
Despite it being a short few months, my dad had already grown more grey hairs. It was the first time I had ever saw my always high-spirited father looked as though he was tired and his spirits were low... even my mom's eyes looked like they were always somewhat timid. Their son was rαρеd by his classmates and but they couldn't make it public... All they could do was swallow the mouthful of humiliation with resentment, all because of the secret of my body which couldn't be revealed.
I didn't dare look at those heavy eyes of my mother, I couldn't bear it, so I hung my head low. From ever since that time my mom threw my hand off as if it was a gross caterpillar... in this life, I didn't have it in me to have any kind of hope. But then I heard her say "A," and her tone was gentle.
But I was so confused at that time that I couldn't care about something like that. The strange symptoms I was experiencing scared me so much that I chugged down as many pills as possible. Then after eating them, I would feel empty, so very empty; and once I lay on my bed, I would feel sad, overwhelmingly so, hating my life and hating god for his cruelty. There are many people in the world, numerous creatures that exist, so why was I the only one to be cursed with a body like this? A body that won't let me get my parents' love, make me not dare to make friends, and suffer through an assault by my classmate? I can;t even dare to go to the hospital even though I'm ill?
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
"A... please forgive us."
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
Because of this, my dad said that on the day Liu Wei and Tang Sen brought me back home, both he and my mom saw I was humiliated by them, but all they could do was pretend as if there was nothing wrong and even thank them for bringing me back home. This was all because... all because... they couldn't rip open the matter to reveal the truth.
I was no longer afraid of people I didn't know, and I had even begun talking to them freely.
However, just as I started university, my dad had to attend a mandatory trip to Western Asia. Plus, because he had to take the lead for this overseas trip, my mother had to accompany him. Worried that I would be left on my own, for the first time ever, my dad used his authority to greet the head of the university for me temporarily assigned to a single room. So before they returned to the country, I stayed at the school dorms for a short while.
◈◇◈
If the truth was ever revealed, this secret of mine, this body of mine, will leave my parents no way to fight off any attacks.
N/A
◈◇◈
N/A
This is why... if I'm to be rαρеd, I'd be rαρеd... I was just a son, anyhow you think of it, it wasn't as though I could get pregnant. However, they never expected it would meet such an end.
Before my third high school year, during winter vacation, in a small hospital located somewhere remote, I gave birth to a baby. I know nothing of how my parents dealt with it as it seemed I had spent the entire time asleep. When I did awake, I was unharmed and already back home. I was curious about one thing though, that day I used so much strength to hit it so why did that baby still stubbornly struggle to come into this world and not die earlier in my stomach.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
...I couldn't help but keep thinking that if this world just didn't have me in it, then... maybe things would be a little better.
"... ..."
Without me, the soul within this body will no longer cry in pain and despair, and my parents would no longer be sad and feel unspeakable humiliation. Death... dying was easy. With a small blade you can slίt your wrίists. With a part of scίssors you can cut your carotid artery. With the help of the fifth floor of a building, you can leap off it. With a an open gas nozzle, you can block off the kitchen and aim your nose and mouth towards it. Or, after drinking poison, you can go like in the bath.... My birth seems to have never given my parents any comfort, so if I leave them, the least I could do was choose a method that would give them the least amount of trouble.
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
I was no longer afraid of people I didn't know, and I had even begun talking to them freely.
I finally understood. But I couldn't say anything afterwards.
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
◈◇◈
—Liu Wei... Tang Seng. My entire body turned cold. I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! But I couldn't help but recall the horror and humiliation of that day they rαρеd me! I thought I could just forget that incident! But that crime—that sin had already produced an evil spawn! Why is this happening... Why is this happening to me... Next term I would entering the final sprint of high school. My dream is to enter the most renowned university in the country, and the teachers said that with my exam scores there would be no trouble for me to do so... But, now, with me me dragging around a body like this, can I still go to school? Is it even possible? The sudden urge to kill those two demons overtook me, and as I sat there on the edge of my bed, my entire body erupted in cold shivers, while the hate and killing intent had left my mind hot and set aflame. I hate... I hate... Who should I hate... Who should I actually hate... If it wasn't for this damn body!
...My dad handed me a bankbook.
My dad looked like he wanted to say something, but it seemed as if it was too difficult for him to speak it.
Because of this, my life could begin new.
My dad, the man who on television had addressed crowds completely poised and at ease, seemed to be surprisingly be struggling as he faced me. Why is he struggling? ...Oh, that's right. He looked at me wringing my hands non-stop before sitting on my bed, he talked about some random thing before finally arriving at his main point.
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
...My dad handed me a bankbook.
I took a break from school for one and a half years and studied at home, then I was admitted to a nearby university that was close to my home after taking an equivalency exam.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
N/A
Lifting my head, I saw my mom who was standing behind my dad from who knows when, still wearing a bare face and eyes now filled with tears. As she spoke, he voice choked with sobs: "A, please forgive your mom, please forgive me."
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
"A... your mother and I wish to give you this."
CHAPTER FIVE
...My dad handed me a bankbook.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
I opened the bankbook and saw such a huge number my eyes widened! My dad, I knew his position was one of prestige, but his salary wasn't at all high. What's more, someone as honest as my dad would never make money illegally on the side so this... being able to save up such a large sum must not have been easy.
As if he had been there all this time waiting at the door, my dad rushed inside the room and grabbed my arms, but the gut wrenching pain had already caused my vision to darken. "A!" For the first time, I saw my upright and stern father shed tears before me, but I had long lost the ability to open my eyes. Before I passed out completely, I vaguely remembered people saying that god always smiled as he looked down at the people of this world from the clouds up high. But what you all probably didn't know, was that god also cried. It was surely his tears that fell upon my face as my consciousness left me, if not, how could my eyes be stabbed by such pain, or my cheeks by scorched by such a heat.
"Dad... this..." I was so confused, I couldn't understand it.
I finally understood. But I couldn't say anything afterwards.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
"Dad... this..." I was so confused, I couldn't understand it.
My shoulders shook, and I couldn't find a way to restrain my sobs... "A, A... A... Don't cry, A... Please don't cry..."
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
...My dad handed me a bankbook.
My dad then looked at me, the sigh he released was deep, his voice light and sweet as he spoke, "Xiao'A, after you graduate college, go to America and get the surgery."
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
N/A
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
It was also strange that my mother and father never pushed to ask me questions when bring me bottle after bottle of medicine. But for some reason, in the different medicine packets, the tablets inside all of them were all the same.
◈◇◈
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
Later, more and more I began feeling dizzy; every day it got so much harder to wake up it felt like I almost couldn't, and before all this this my daily habits had followed a regular pattern. Yet, I couldn't eat, and every time I sat at the dinner table ad saw something greasy, I felt like I had to puke.
But he continued, "I've asked around for you, and the procedure is one that can only be performed on persons over the age of twenty. You're only sixteen right now, so it should be the right time after you've completed university."
My mom also said sobbingly, "Xiao'A, go get the surgery and just forget everything that happened. All those things were just a bad dream, okay? A nightmare. When you wake up it'll all just disappear."
Seeing me still staring at him in a daze, my dad sighed deeply and explained, "There's the medical technology to allow one to change sex nowadays, do you understand? Your mom and I was planning on sending you to America to have the operation, because we think their skills are probably a bit more advanced."
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
Without me, the soul within this body will no longer cry in pain and despair, and my parents would no longer be sad and feel unspeakable humiliation. Death... dying was easy. With a small blade you can slίt your wrίists. With a part of scίssors you can cut your carotid artery. With the help of the fifth floor of a building, you can leap off it. With a an open gas nozzle, you can block off the kitchen and aim your nose and mouth towards it. Or, after drinking poison, you can go like in the bath.... My birth seems to have never given my parents any comfort, so if I leave them, the least I could do was choose a method that would give them the least amount of trouble.
Hearing my mother's alarmed voice made me realise she was still beside me. I tried really hard to look at her, but I couldn't see her clearly, and that's how I found out I was actually crying. ...why is this happening? I knew I shouldn't cry in front of my mom or dad, and I desperately tried to stop my tears, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The pain lying at the bottom of my heart convulsed the point I felt as though I would faint. My mother grabbed my shoulder and let me lean on her. I weakly snuggled up to my mom, the sudden recollection of her not wanting me to touch her hands or clothes as child entering my mind.
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
I finally understood. But I couldn't say anything afterwards.
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
My dad looked at me, his reddened eyes filling with tears was something I never imagined.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
My dad then looked at me, the sigh he released was deep, his voice light and sweet as he spoke, "Xiao'A, after you graduate college, go to America and get the surgery."
N/A
—Liu Wei... Tang Seng. My entire body turned cold. I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! But I couldn't help but recall the horror and humiliation of that day they rαρеd me! I thought I could just forget that incident! But that crime—that sin had already produced an evil spawn! Why is this happening... Why is this happening to me... Next term I would entering the final sprint of high school. My dream is to enter the most renowned university in the country, and the teachers said that with my exam scores there would be no trouble for me to do so... But, now, with me me dragging around a body like this, can I still go to school? Is it even possible? The sudden urge to kill those two demons overtook me, and as I sat there on the edge of my bed, my entire body erupted in cold shivers, while the hate and killing intent had left my mind hot and set aflame. I hate... I hate... Who should I hate... Who should I actually hate... If it wasn't for this damn body!
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
"A, I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive us? I know we've always hurt you deeply, but... please believe me when I say that your mom and me have always loved you. You are our only son."
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
My dad looked like he wanted to say something, but it seemed as if it was too difficult for him to speak it.
The day I returned home just happened to be the one where I turned sixteen. As my mom and dad brought a birthday cake towards my bed, I wondered how they managed to even recall my birthday despite being so busy that their feet never touched the ground. They told me they even refused the chance for an all expenses paid trip to Europe in hopes of staying by my side for a while longer.
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
Even if the earth exploded before my eyes, I couldn't express the pure shock and terror this news had given me. How! How! How... how could this happen! I'm a man!! A shot of dizziness in my head forced my butt to weakly fall onto the edge of my bed. My mom then sat beside me, gently rubbing my shoulder. "A..."
Son... their only son... yes, I was.
I couldn't understand what my dad meant.
My trembling consciousness, for the time, felt the temperature of my blood as it flowed into my heart.
It was also strange that my mother and father never pushed to ask me questions when bring me bottle after bottle of medicine. But for some reason, in the different medicine packets, the tablets inside all of them were all the same.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, A."
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
My dad looked like he wanted to say something, but it seemed as if it was too difficult for him to speak it.
"A... please forgive us."
Despite knowing I was not my parent's pride and joy but only their shame ans sorrow, in this world, the only ones I could rely on and to take care of me, is them.
"Dad... this..." I was so confused, I couldn't understand it.
This is why... if I'm to be rαρеd, I'd be rαρеd... I was just a son, anyhow you think of it, it wasn't as though I could get pregnant. However, they never expected it would meet such an end.
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
Really? Sixteen." Maybe it was because I felt nothing but misery, because I already felt old. Others may have viewed their sixteenth year as the springtime of their youth, but my weakened state made me feel as though my sixteenth year signalled my decline.
Lifting my head, I saw my mom who was standing behind my dad from who knows when, still wearing a bare face and eyes now filled with tears. As she spoke, he voice choked with sobs: "A, please forgive your mom, please forgive me."
"Wh... What?" For so long, I hadn't heard my breaking voice.
Without me, the soul within this body will no longer cry in pain and despair, and my parents would no longer be sad and feel unspeakable humiliation. Death... dying was easy. With a small blade you can slίt your wrίists. With a part of scίssors you can cut your carotid artery. With the help of the fifth floor of a building, you can leap off it. With a an open gas nozzle, you can block off the kitchen and aim your nose and mouth towards it. Or, after drinking poison, you can go like in the bath.... My birth seems to have never given my parents any comfort, so if I leave them, the least I could do was choose a method that would give them the least amount of trouble.
My mom also said sobbingly, "Xiao'A, go get the surgery and just forget everything that happened. All those things were just a bad dream, okay? A nightmare. When you wake up it'll all just disappear."
CHAPTER FIVE
Despite knowing I was not my parent's pride and joy but only their shame ans sorrow, in this world, the only ones I could rely on and to take care of me, is them.
Ah... dad... mom.
N/A
Because of this, my life could begin new.
Really? Sixteen." Maybe it was because I felt nothing but misery, because I already felt old. Others may have viewed their sixteenth year as the springtime of their youth, but my weakened state made me feel as though my sixteenth year signalled my decline.
"... ..."
There were times where I would cry myself to sleep. After I woke up, I had no interest in looking at myself in the mirror because my eyes were red and swollen. But there were no tear stains left on my face, however, and I had no idea who wiped them clean.
Knowing there was a new life waiting for me not too far into the future, I couldn't suppress my nerves and excitement. At almost every moment where my heart was about to be paralysed, it kicked back up jumping like mad.
However, just as I started university, my dad had to attend a mandatory trip to Western Asia. Plus, because he had to take the lead for this overseas trip, my mother had to accompany him. Worried that I would be left on my own, for the first time ever, my dad used his authority to greet the head of the university for me temporarily assigned to a single room. So before they returned to the country, I stayed at the school dorms for a short while.
I was no longer afraid of people I didn't know, and I had even begun talking to them freely.
Seeing me still staring at him in a daze, my dad sighed deeply and explained, "There's the medical technology to allow one to change sex nowadays, do you understand? Your mom and I was planning on sending you to America to have the operation, because we think their skills are probably a bit more advanced."
With his teary eyes my dad smiled as he said, "A, go get the surgery, alright? Then you will truly, truly be our son.... Your mother and I are still waiting for you to get a wife and give us some grandchildren, yeah!"
This is why... if I'm to be rαρеd, I'd be rαρеd... I was just a son, anyhow you think of it, it wasn't as though I could get pregnant. However, they never expected it would meet such an end.
N/A
My mon then walked over to me and held me by the shoulder, saying, "A, your dad and I discussed this for a long time and have decided we have to tell you. A... you're pregnant."
"A... your mother and I wish to give you this."
...I couldn't help but keep thinking that if this world just didn't have me in it, then... maybe things would be a little better.
My mom also said sobbingly, "Xiao'A, go get the surgery and just forget everything that happened. All those things were just a bad dream, okay? A nightmare. When you wake up it'll all just disappear."
"A, I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive us? I know we've always hurt you deeply, but... please believe me when I say that your mom and me have always loved you. You are our only son."
It turns out... it actually turns out that god would also send a smile for me. In this life there still turns out to be one more chance to choose again.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, A."
I turned around and saw it was my mother standing at my door, her saddened eyes facing me making my heart pound like a hammer. Normally, she wore modest heavy makeup, but that day, her face was surprisingly plain. The eyes she trained on me had a complicated look: seemingly affectionate, resentful, and pitiful.
After the fourth Sunday of the summer vacation, it was also like this. I stood alone facing the mirror, feeling not an ounce of surprise. But, suddenly, a grey dress appeared in the mirror from behind me.
T/n: The following chapter contains mentions of self harm.
"... ..."
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
"A... we have already confirmed it with an expert in secret. You are pregnant."
Because of this, my dad said that on the day Liu Wei and Tang Sen brought me back home, both he and my mom saw I was humiliated by them, but all they could do was pretend as if there was nothing wrong and even thank them for bringing me back home. This was all because... all because... they couldn't rip open the matter to reveal the truth.
I took a break from school for one and a half years and studied at home, then I was admitted to a nearby university that was close to my home after taking an equivalency exam.
Really? Sixteen." Maybe it was because I felt nothing but misery, because I already felt old. Others may have viewed their sixteenth year as the springtime of their youth, but my weakened state made me feel as though my sixteenth year signalled my decline.
N/A
Mom... There tears now gushed out of me like a spring. As the scent of my mother's expensive perfume entered my nose, I desperately clenched my teeth, but even then I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
My dad looked at me, his reddened eyes filling with tears was something I never imagined.
Okay—I will forget! Take these, have them all! I'll forget everything from before! Humiliation, sadness, gloom, hopelessness, it doesn't matter—I'll forget them all!
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
Affection? Really?
This is why... if I'm to be rαρеd, I'd be rαρеd... I was just a son, anyhow you think of it, it wasn't as though I could get pregnant. However, they never expected it would meet such an end.
"A... your mother and I wish to give you this."
Because of this body of mine, I never wanted to go to the hospital. So I could do I hide my real reasons when asking my parents to bring me back medicine.
That is to say, not long from now when I'm twenty years old, it's possible for me to really be a man. I no longer have to cry hopelessly at my sеⅹ lying somewhere in between.
As they fluttered away under the glow of the neon lights, they looked like butterflies.
Together with my dad and my mom, we cried.
"A... what are doing! A, have you gone mad! —Han Xuan, get in here! Hurry!"
My dad, the man who on television had addressed crowds completely poised and at ease, seemed to be surprisingly be struggling as he faced me. Why is he struggling? ...Oh, that's right. He looked at me wringing my hands non-stop before sitting on my bed, he talked about some random thing before finally arriving at his main point.
The next day, I tidied my room and planned to leave. I bought nothing with me, apart from enough money to buy sleeping pills. I wanted to write them a letter, saying "Mom, Dad, I wish you all the best and that you will always find happiness," but my hand wouldn't stop shaking as I tried writing the words. Sitting at my desk, I crumpled those pieces of paper soaked in my tears into the trash. But just as I stood up and was about to leave, my dad had walked in.
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
I didn't dare look at those heavy eyes of my mother, I couldn't bear it, so I hung my head low. From ever since that time my mom threw my hand off as if it was a gross caterpillar... in this life, I didn't have it in me to have any kind of hope. But then I heard her say "A," and her tone was gentle.
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
Despite it being a short few months, my dad had already grown more grey hairs. It was the first time I had ever saw my always high-spirited father looked as though he was tired and his spirits were low... even my mom's eyes looked like they were always somewhat timid. Their son was rαρеd by his classmates and but they couldn't make it public... All they could do was swallow the mouthful of humiliation with resentment, all because of the secret of my body which couldn't be revealed.
When it was the middle of the night, I climbed from my and forced my window open then took those two bills I was planning to use to buy sleeping pills and threw them into the dark city sky.
I turned around and saw it was my mother standing at my door, her saddened eyes facing me making my heart pound like a hammer. Normally, she wore modest heavy makeup, but that day, her face was surprisingly plain. The eyes she trained on me had a complicated look: seemingly affectionate, resentful, and pitiful.
Because of this, my dad said that on the day Liu Wei and Tang Sen brought me back home, both he and my mom saw I was humiliated by them, but all they could do was pretend as if there was nothing wrong and even thank them for bringing me back home. This was all because... all because... they couldn't rip open the matter to reveal the truth.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
As they fluttered away under the glow of the neon lights, they looked like butterflies.
I opened the bankbook and saw such a huge number my eyes widened! My dad, I knew his position was one of prestige, but his salary wasn't at all high. What's more, someone as honest as my dad would never make money illegally on the side so this... being able to save up such a large sum must not have been easy.
I turned around and saw it was my mother standing at my door, her saddened eyes facing me making my heart pound like a hammer. Normally, she wore modest heavy makeup, but that day, her face was surprisingly plain. The eyes she trained on me had a complicated look: seemingly affectionate, resentful, and pitiful.
Affection? Really?
I finally understood. But I couldn't say anything afterwards.
—Liu Wei... Tang Seng. My entire body turned cold. I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! But I couldn't help but recall the horror and humiliation of that day they rαρеd me! I thought I could just forget that incident! But that crime—that sin had already produced an evil spawn! Why is this happening... Why is this happening to me... Next term I would entering the final sprint of high school. My dream is to enter the most renowned university in the country, and the teachers said that with my exam scores there would be no trouble for me to do so... But, now, with me me dragging around a body like this, can I still go to school? Is it even possible? The sudden urge to kill those two demons overtook me, and as I sat there on the edge of my bed, my entire body erupted in cold shivers, while the hate and killing intent had left my mind hot and set aflame. I hate... I hate... Who should I hate... Who should I actually hate... If it wasn't for this damn body!
I took a break from school for one and a half years and studied at home, then I was admitted to a nearby university that was close to my home after taking an equivalency exam.
With his teary eyes my dad smiled as he said, "A, go get the surgery, alright? Then you will truly, truly be our son.... Your mother and I are still waiting for you to get a wife and give us some grandchildren, yeah!"
After the fourth Sunday of the summer vacation, it was also like this. I stood alone facing the mirror, feeling not an ounce of surprise. But, suddenly, a grey dress appeared in the mirror from behind me.
As they fluttered away under the glow of the neon lights, they looked like butterflies.
Together with my dad and my mom, we cried.
And, on top of all this, was my inexplicably swelling stomach. The pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die.
Before my third high school year, during winter vacation, in a small hospital located somewhere remote, I gave birth to a baby. I know nothing of how my parents dealt with it as it seemed I had spent the entire time asleep. When I did awake, I was unharmed and already back home. I was curious about one thing though, that day I used so much strength to hit it so why did that baby still stubbornly struggle to come into this world and not die earlier in my stomach.
My dad looked at me, his reddened eyes filling with tears was something I never imagined.
Hope really is like a flame, one capable of kindling the life blood and heat of a human life.
Okay—I will forget! Take these, have them all! I'll forget everything from before! Humiliation, sadness, gloom, hopelessness, it doesn't matter—I'll forget them all!
Knowing there was a new life waiting for me not too far into the future, I couldn't suppress my nerves and excitement. At almost every moment where my heart was about to be paralysed, it kicked back up jumping like mad.
Just the sight of my parents almost forcing themselves as they fawned over me, made the desert within my heart stab with a pain as if it were overgrown with thorns. The father who always maintained a stern face and cool appearance as he stood in the political arena! My mother who's has always been praised for her beauty and grace as the high ranking official's wife and international image as a spokesperson! If society and the public came to know that this husband and wife pair actually had a son who was gαng-rαρеd by his male classmates and had given birth to a child, there's no telling what would become of them!
Lifting my head, I saw my mom who was standing behind my dad from who knows when, still wearing a bare face and eyes now filled with tears. As she spoke, he voice choked with sobs: "A, please forgive your mom, please forgive me."
It was also strange that my mother and father never pushed to ask me questions when bring me bottle after bottle of medicine. But for some reason, in the different medicine packets, the tablets inside all of them were all the same.
Affection? Really?
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, A."
My mom spoke, but I didn't know what she was trying to convey. All I could focus on was my ever expanding stomach, which led to me folding my arms into a fist to strike it.
I didn't dare look at those heavy eyes of my mother, I couldn't bear it, so I hung my head low. From ever since that time my mom threw my hand off as if it was a gross caterpillar... in this life, I didn't have it in me to have any kind of hope. But then I heard her say "A," and her tone was gentle.
I was no longer afraid of people I didn't know, and I had even begun talking to them freely.
My shoulders shook, and I couldn't find a way to restrain my sobs... "A, A... A... Don't cry, A... Please don't cry..."
"A... what are doing! A, have you gone mad! —Han Xuan, get in here! Hurry!"
In the next semester of my second year of high school, I dropped out.
I was a day-student. Despite my future hope being a kite I had tightly by the string that would gradually come closer, until this shameful body has completely disappeared from this world I still can't enter the university dormitory.
But I was so confused at that time that I couldn't care about something like that. The strange symptoms I was experiencing scared me so much that I chugged down as many pills as possible. Then after eating them, I would feel empty, so very empty; and once I lay on my bed, I would feel sad, overwhelmingly so, hating my life and hating god for his cruelty. There are many people in the world, numerous creatures that exist, so why was I the only one to be cursed with a body like this? A body that won't let me get my parents' love, make me not dare to make friends, and suffer through an assault by my classmate? I can;t even dare to go to the hospital even though I'm ill?
Without me, the soul within this body will no longer cry in pain and despair, and my parents would no longer be sad and feel unspeakable humiliation. Death... dying was easy. With a small blade you can slίt your wrίists. With a part of scίssors you can cut your carotid artery. With the help of the fifth floor of a building, you can leap off it. With a an open gas nozzle, you can block off the kitchen and aim your nose and mouth towards it. Or, after drinking poison, you can go like in the bath.... My birth seems to have never given my parents any comfort, so if I leave them, the least I could do was choose a method that would give them the least amount of trouble.
"A... please forgive us."
However, just as I started university, my dad had to attend a mandatory trip to Western Asia. Plus, because he had to take the lead for this overseas trip, my mother had to accompany him. Worried that I would be left on my own, for the first time ever, my dad used his authority to greet the head of the university for me temporarily assigned to a single room. So before they returned to the country, I stayed at the school dorms for a short while.
—Liu Wei... Tang Seng. My entire body turned cold. I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember! But I couldn't help but recall the horror and humiliation of that day they rαρеd me! I thought I could just forget that incident! But that crime—that sin had already produced an evil spawn! Why is this happening... Why is this happening to me... Next term I would entering the final sprint of high school. My dream is to enter the most renowned university in the country, and the teachers said that with my exam scores there would be no trouble for me to do so... But, now, with me me dragging around a body like this, can I still go to school? Is it even possible? The sudden urge to kill those two demons overtook me, and as I sat there on the edge of my bed, my entire body erupted in cold shivers, while the hate and killing intent had left my mind hot and set aflame. I hate... I hate... Who should I hate... Who should I actually hate... If it wasn't for this damn body!
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